Procrastination is the Number One cause of death for Americans of all ages. I’m serious – forget about heart disease or cancer – procrastination is the biggest people killer of our time since the Complacence & Self-Indulgence pandemic of the 1980’s.

Example: Seen a few movies recently. Been wanting to write them up, tell you what I think. Impress you with my cinematic insight. Dazzle your grasp of the English so brilliantly that your synapses will rewire themselves and transform you into one of my groupies – the Nick-Heads.

But I procrastinated, and now, instead of one movie to pass on to you, the dear readers… I’m now backed up with three: MOON, DAYBREAKERS, and THE BOOK OF ELI.

Balls. Life really is like high school – ’cause homework never stopped sucking donkey farts. But I got homework now – because I procrastinated.

NOW imagine if you weren’t feeling well and procrastinated from seeking medical help? Yup, that’s right – DEAD. That little ache in your stomach? DEAD. That thing with your eye? DEAD. Abnormal enlargement of your genitalia? DEAD. I mean it – procrastination’s so bad for your health that even Amy Winehouse won’t snort it.

Of course… anyone with a single artistic gene in their DNA (Mr. Leno, you can be excused from this conversation) will sympathize with the demons of procrastination. We just wait and wait and wait and put off the damn project to watch that Jersey Shore marathon ’cause you just gotta see how what ‘The Situation’ does to reinvent ‘douchebaggery’ this time…

…then time’s run out, and you drink two pots of coffee flavored with Red Bull so you can vomit the whole thing out and hope our spell check doesn’t play mindgames with you. Procrastinating’s a difficult habit to kick, believe me.

But I aim to try. (Cue heroic John Williams theme music).

So – no more worrying about ‘review perfection’ or ‘waiting for the right time.’ I’m going to maximize my time and cover multiple movies in a mini-review. Hence… my first MaxiMultiMini Review… and knowing my brain’s weakness for staving off things that are good for me… I’m sure there will be many more.

MOON

Yes, I’m aware that I’m already cheating, as this is not a new-release.  And yes, I already saw this way back in the theaters and loved it. How could I not?  C’mon, an indie sci-fi feature about a guy working solo on the moon for three years fulfilling a mining contract, and learns he’s not the only one up there like he thought… he’s just seeing double… of himself. Clones, baby. Right up my alley. Reminded me of SILENT RUNNING, but without Joan Baez and the pretentious power of her message of nature.

However, my roommate and dear good friend hadn’t seen it. Boggles the noggin.’ I mean, HE’S the one who idolizes movies who utilize good ‘twin work.’ HE’S the one with the big robot boner for… well, robots. So when I learned he’d popped MOON up to the top of his Netflix queue, I said ‘count me in’ so I could see if it held up on repeat viewing.

Yup. It did. Really held-up – rock solid almost all the way to the end. And the first thing that came to mind when the credits rolled?

Sam Rockwell has really big testicles.

Sure, there’s a few cameos by other human beings here and there. But this was the Sam Rockwell show – the show so nice, he had to act in it twice. He’s the whole she-bang – 98% of this movie has Sam Rockwell in a shot. But this bored Sam. He does not like to be bored, Sam-I-Am. So, like those Bobby Fischers and those old Russian chess masters… he chose to play both sides of the board.

Being an actor’s tough enough. We think it’s an easy thing to do, because the great performers we admire all make it look easy. Sam Rockwell made it look easy. Creating the illusion of ‘twins’ is supremely difficult to pull off (CGI, you can excuse yourself from this conversation), and to do it photoreal and in camera and with an actor playing off of himself and then to IMPROVISE off of yourself and create two distinct performances and make it all look natural and believable…. again, epic testicles.

Jeremy Irons did it brilliantly in DEAD RINGERS (shoulda been nominated), Nicolas Cage blew me away with ADAPTATION (did get nominated), and when you see how convincingly Rockwell plays off himself – AND creating two distinctly different personalities of the same character – I hope you’ll consider it a crime if he doesn’t get nominated. Incidentally… do you think that SAG has an argument that if an actor who performs twin work like this, they should get two paychecks? Discuss.

I did say I had a problem – the ending felt a bit too truncated. I understand the aesthetic choice – the movie’s about isolation, and bringing in new characters for a bigger climax would violate that. Still… without spoiling anything… I just wanted a bit more ‘oomph.’ To me, in a way, it just sort of…. ends. If you’ve seen it and disagree, let me know what you think. I’d like to know.

But come on – the ending’s not awful at all, and anyway, why nitpick? You’re watching because of Sam’s testicular acting, right? You’re here because you want to see how an indie film with a five million dollar budget pulls off a film set on a ‘moon base’ with lunar exteriors, right/ You want to see if they can make it look good. Well, of course they did. Economic yet creative practical effects, inventive ‘in-camera’ work, and smart set design puts all the money on the screen, making it feel like it cost quadruple that.

Yes, there’s some CGI in it, but I only discovered that after watching some of the special features. Had me fooled – especially the effects with GERTY, Rockwell’s robotic assistant with eerie similarities to HAL 9000 – if HAL was voiced by Kevin Spacey without the moral conflict. And managing convincing CGI on the kind of dime they had? All this is due to the talents of a very imaginative and focused first-time director, Duncan Jones. This Duncan character – his dad’s some singer named David Bowie or something fake like that – put all of his $5,000,000 on screen, and made a more compelling movie that many filmmakers who are indulged with a budget twenty times than that of MOON.

Be ashamed. Be very… ashamed…

DAYBREAKERS

“This movie sucks. Vampires are supposed to sparkle.  Soooo glad that I’m on Team Edward.”

If that’s your attitude, then you deserve to have a nuclear holocaust in your pants and legally give up your right to every bear children. Hell, you’re not even fit to raise a dog. You should have no influence over any other human being and you should be walled up by a contractor behind one of the stalls in the most hideously maintained Denny’s in America. I could have said France, but even I couldn’t go there.

DAYBREAKERS is what happens when the mutation/virus/plague that causes vampirism has turned most of Earth’s population into vampires. The minority of humans who have not been turned are ‘farmed out’ and ‘milked’ for their blood, which is used to feed the vampire majority. But the humans have become an endangered species, and blood-starved vampires begin to quickly evolve . The world’s entire vampire population has positioned itself for its’ own demise… but one vampire researcher is determined to save their race and stop the cruel treatment of humans by inventing a ‘blood substitute’ and eliminating the need for human blood. But there’s unexpected hope for the scientist… the Holy Grail… human rebels claim they have a cure to the vampire disease… if only he’ll risk going with them…

Much has been said recently about AVATAR and its’ highly innovated ‘world-building.’ Directed by the Spierig Bros., who made a cult film in their native Austraila called UNDEAD, DAYBREAKERS had a vastly smaller budget, yet puts forth some extremely creative world building. What would a world of vampires be like? They don’t have to hunt anymore – all they have to worry about is getting their blood supply (provided by a hugely successful corporate empire run by Sam Neill) and simply enjoy being immortal.

Yet the devil here is truly in the details. It’s in the roadsign by the school that says NO PARKING BETWEEN 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. It’s how the vampires sweeten their coffee with a little blood. It’s how everyone smokes – even the immortal twelve year olds – because, well… shit, genius – they’re immortal. It’s the huge corridors that connect two skyscrapers thirty stories up, because, you know, vampires need protection from sunlight ’cause it burns vampires up and causes them horrible death and pain and it’s really not a cute or fun thing at all. If one of these vamps happens to sparkle, it’s because they’re about to explode. If you prefer the non-deadly sunlight sparklers, then I’m sorry, no one can save you. Even Bunnicula thinks you’re retarded… Bunnicula.

Ethan Hawke – it’s interesting to know that even when you’re immortal, you can still have greasy slimy hair. Do you think shampoo is, like, the new Holy Water? Quick – put that in the next TWILIGHT book – that’s sooooooo cool!

Anyhow, Ethan is extremely conflicted and bothered by his vampirism, and wishes he was never turned. He’s repulsed by how humans are treated, and he hopes that if he can find a blood substitue, Doesn’t see humans as fodder like most of the vampire world. But Willem Dafoe knows the cure, and thinks Ethan’s the right bloodsucker to spread the word. Not sure about Dafoe screwing up a Southern accent, especially if he’s named Elvis, but I love it when Dafoe’s in badass mode, especially with a kickass crossbow. And as I said, Sam Neill rounds out the trifecta by enjoying his new immortality… hell, he was gonna die of an incurable disease anyhow… now he’s all set…

And really: Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, and Sam Neill? Why am I still trying to convince you? At the end of this movie, if you’re not anxious to see even a little bit more of this world… I’m just not sure about you.

Too often, filmmakers don’t have the patience to see their vision completely through. Here, the Spierigs have thought this sucker out. It’s an impressive bit of writing/directing. And the best part? They made a vampire movie with a lot of violence, blood, guts, and gore. Wow… SO retro…

THE BOOK OF ELI

Denzel Washington is Eli. Post-apocalyptic world. Shoots like a marksman. Swings his sword like a samurai. On a pilgrimage, a mission, a fool’s errand – perhaps all. After a war with religious overtones ruined the world, books were burned. Eradicated. Destroyed. Forgotten. Hardly any still exist. Except the one that Eli’s carrying. It’s not just a book. It’s THE book. The last copy of the Bible in existence.

Gary Oldman is Carnegie. Leader of a growing civilized town. Manipulates like a politician. Ambitious as a dictator. He sends brute thugs on a mission, a fool’s errand. Sends them out into the world searching for books. One book in particular. A book of words with such power that it will draw survivors from all over to hear them. He remembers the power and the influence that the words from this book had on a previous generation, and wants to use this book – the Bible – to spread his rule over the remaining dregs of humanity and lead… perhaps returning them to what they once were.

That’s all you get. No more. I’ll tell you a few things, and then that will be all you get. No more.

It’s directed by the Hughes Brothers. They’ve got a great knack for visuals, and obviously work well with a cinematographer here. This type of ‘Mad Max’ world? We almost roll our eyes at the thought of another ‘vision’ of a world like this. The H Brothers don’t reinvent things here. They remove things. They made the world empty. No clutter, no visual gimmicks They imbuked loneliness and isolation. They embraced the quiet.

And they made Denzel look like a mutha-effin’ badass. Kicks the ass of twelve men with the camera sitting back watching the whole sworddance. Won’t fight till he has to – and then he’ll shove your nose through the back of your skull. But he really doesn’t want to fight. Doesn’t want to cause trouble. Just wants to protect his book. Wait – you’re going to mess with his ‘book protecting?’ Fine. Guess this here Eli’s just going to have to decimate the entire room in under thirty seconds.

Gary Oldman? Just this short of letting himself cut loose and go insanely nuts. Seems playing Commissioner Gordon has restrained him a bit. But still – nice to see the man being a bad guy again. Hate his character’s name, though.

Oh yeah. Forgot. Mila Kunis is in this too. Apparently, she plays the last surviving hot girl of humanity. Hell, odds are that out of all that’s left, there’s got to be at LEAST one super hot Maxim babe unaffected by the hostile environment the survivors currently live in, right? What kind of post-apocalypse would it be if at least ONE really, really, ridiculously good-looking babe didn’t survive? Not a post-apocalypse I’D want to live in, that’s for sure.

Last thing I’m going to tell you before I insist you give this film a shot while it’s still in theaters. It’s the third act. Truly, I did not see where this film was going, and when the end started becoming clear… for me, it raised the story to a higher level, and changed the way I’d remember the first two thirds of the story. I cannot say anymore about this ending, because I have enough friends and family who want to murder me for giving away details to plot points they don’t want to hear. But that little problem I had with MOON? When you compare it to the end of THE BOOK OF ELI, then my point about MOON should be clearer.

All I will say is that many movies can meander a bit and self-indulge for much of the film… but a movie with a terrific ending will truly be remembered.

Out of the three movies I just reviewed… this is the one that I keep coming back to the most. Give it a look. ‘Nuff said.

And….

….that’s it for this ‘Triple M’ Review. Know what I realized?

Holy shit, can I be longwinded or what?

If people read this whole thing at work, then they must REALLY freaking hate their job. And if you’re a mom or dad who read this whole thing while parenting… you better check on your kid, because from the time you started this, they’ve probably aged to the point where they’re starting to hate you and think you’re a dumbass for reading some guy’s blog and why can’t they have an Iphone? Freakin’ so long that by the time you get to end, the government’s finally decided to try and fix up New Orleans.

But hopefully, I’m just being a negative Nancy.

I plan on making the journey to the movie theater much more so than I have in the past… and even visiting a few more on DVD that have evaded me. Hope I’ll have something to say about them as well. At least… enough to help you make up your mind and decide “is this really worth going to the theater and risking that I’ll sit next to some subhuman audience member who acts like an idgit and ruins my whole experience?”

If I can help you make up your mind on that… and you end up seeing something you never thought you’d go see… then all is good.

Take care.