I have spent most of the past week in raging neck pain.

I know you can throw out your back, or you can pull a hammy, twist a knee or ankle… but where the neck was concerned, all I thought you could do was break it or, well… break it.  Sure, I’ve had stiff necks before… but throwing out my was a completely new inconvenience for me.

It didn’t even happen immediately.  No big moment where I made an uncoordinated jerky move (”back, and to the left… back… and to the left…”) and that move caused me to go “aaaaah, I just threw out my neck and it’s completely obvious because it really %&$*# hurts!”

Nope, this crept up on me during work hours, and by the next day, I was largely incapacitated.  Couldn’t tilt my head back at all, or even rotate it left or right.  Hell, swallowing food even hurt.  If I laid down in bed, there were no comfortable positions, and if I got out of bed, I would have to support my head with my hands otherwise it would create a big ‘owwie.’

There was no relief for days… a friend finally came threw for me and helped me get to the doctor… but even then, the pain would just go on and on… and on…. and then when I thought it was almost over, it was back on again,,,, and then it would end…. but NOPE!  Back on again, and I’m like ‘Holy hell, this raging pain is gonna be never ending.”

Which is why the film-geek part of my brain immediately compared my situation with the epic ‘Jesus-this-is-long’ fight scene from John Carpenter’s THEY LIVE.

Rumor has it that, at the time, it was one of the longest fight scenes in modern film.  Can’t say if it’s a bogus rumor or not (it probably is if you factor in martial arts films) but this is the conversation I had with myself in my head as I watched this scene for the first time:

Goddamn, that’s a good mullet… I didn’t know you could tuck in a flannel shirt, I’ll have to try that…. and check out Keith David being a badass… dude tossed the cash into the bag so casual, it was like ‘ain’t nuthin’ but a thang.” Smooth move, badass…

…okay, here we go, they’re fighting, shit’s about to get real… wow, good stuff…. fight’s winding down, good fight scene… oh shit! They’re back at it! This shit looks like it hurts… no mortal man can keep this up, but it IS Keith David we’re talking about here, so…

…oh, okay… NOW the fight’s over, good job guys, that was some great stuff, now let’s get on with the story and – SHIT, THEY’RE BACK AT IT AGAIN? Are they really pulling out wrestling moves? Shit, I’m exhausted just WATCHING this!!!

Evidentally, I use the word ’shit’ a lot when talking in my head… but still, it was then and still is kick-ass.

To set up the clip: ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper (one of the original wrestling superstars of the 1980’s) has these chemically treated Ray-bans that let you see the secret subliminal messages that aliens have hidden everywhere to better control our society.It was meant as a comment on a consumer society during the Reagan era… and yeah, I can see how it’s a bit silly, and yeah, the aliens look like rotting cadavers with golf ball eyes and British teeth… but who friggin’ cares?

The important thing is that Roddy will beat the shit out of Keith David in order to get him to try them on, and Keith David will beat the shit out of Roddy to teach this crazy dude a lesson so he will leave him alone.  In essence, this is the perfect example of dramatic conflict that they try to teach you in film school.

Although I’m all healed now, and can improperly crack my neck again with ease… I submit to you, in honor of my never-ending pain… the (almost) never-ending fight scene from John Carpenter’s THEY LIVE.

(…told ya Keith was a badass… I friggin’ told ya…)

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